no! yes …

 

so you walked into a bookstore and thought, “okay, i could do me some educationment on the Russian Revolution.”

 

but you ain’t got all the time in the world, right? which is just about how long it requires to understand the topic. so you pick up a small book by S. A. Smith … and learnt your lession: never ever read anything written by a Smith. or about the Russian Revolution. that said, the The Russian Revolution: A Very Short Introduction is a piss shitty book and if you think you’re gonna be enlightened by reading this book, you’re f*cking wrong. it is messy and you’ll know by page 3 Smith is self-absorbed wanker.

 

on the other hand, there’s Currie’s God is Dead. now, this is about the nicest thing said about any book thus far at this address. we think the book is a f*cking jam. make that gem.

 

it’s a quick read, really but maybe best to station it on the throne for poop reading in order that the book lasts. you know, so you don’t finish it in one go. it’s a simple strategy for those romantics who don’t look forward to finishing good books. but Currie you will finish, yessum. God appearing in the form of a Sudanese woman is f*cking brilliant, of course. and then it gets dark and disturbing. and then you finish the book and think, “goddamn, that was fun …”

 

Hatinie

 

As published in Friedchillies              

 

If you’re looking for some nasi lauk action this Ramadhan, Restoran Hatinie is worth a visit. It’s got a sinful range of dishes to choose from, including kawah dishes as well as the different perciks. You might liken it to a one-stop pasar Ramadhan. But let’s start with the basics for those of you with an inner kampung soul: the sambal belacan is good. The texture is just right, not dry and clumpy, and the belacan is not too strong that you feel you’re eating belacan on its own. More importantly, it’s got kick. (Read: reasonably pedas).

 

And what better way to enjoy a side dish of sambal if not with fish, right? Ya, what do you feel like having? Salted fish? Fried fish? They have both, each with several selections. If your inner kampung self is feeling really kampung, we recommend any of the salted fish or fried kembung rebus with plain rice. However, the bawal is also yummy-juicy and has the right kind of crusty kunyit coating over it. Or, if you’re into kettle “spare parts”, they also have fried lungs and liver.

 

While we maintain that anything durian based should be banned from existence, there’s sambal tempoyak here and it goes down well with many of the patrons. If your taste buds are kinky like that, whack some onto your rice and mix it all to mush. It seems that’s the only way to have it.

 

Those big on ulam – or if you’re half rabbit – Hatinie is also the place to go. The ulam spread is probably one of the best in Klang Valley, no joke. We recommend ulam raja for amateurs and the tenggek burung for those looking for a slight citrus-y zing. For the latter, be sure to pick the young shoots. These are smaller leaves and are slightly light-green. The young shoots aren’t chewy, so you won’t feel like you’re eating a mango tree.

 

For proper vegetable crunch, they also have kacang botol, long beans and cucumber. But if you’re a real Indiana Jones of ulam, go for the petai, jering and terung rembang. The jering quality here is quite consistent so you can look forward to sinking your teeth into these nice young things for a bitter-crunchy journey straight to nirvana. And terung rembang, maaan  … there’s nothing like some terung rembang in your nasi lauk. These green miniature cherry-looking things are a must-have, especially since they’re not easily found in restaurants. Or  if you’re looking for the softer ulams, they also have boiled jantung pisang and okra.
 
Like most pasar Ramadhan, you can find your fish and chicken percik here. The Hatinie folks are Kelantanese so the percik is done on the sweeter side. They’re good, but percik dishes are so easily available during Ramadhan you might already be sick of it.
 
Truly Kelantanese, the restaurant offers good kerabu. Any one is a safe bet. And then there’s the siput sedut masak lemak kuning! While the Kelantanese are known for their sweet tooth, this dish has on several occasions been on the salty side.
 
It’s quite off-putting when that happens, but if you’re one of those siput sedut vampires you’d forgive them for the bad salt day. It is otherwise a recommended dish if you enjoy these little aquatic snails and like some kunyit soup on your rice. What’s more, the success rate of sucking the creatures out of their shells here is very high. It is fact that in many other restaurants, the shells are empty or are just simply — unsuckable!
 
What else? They have a selection of gulai kawah. And these are also available when it’s not Ramadhan. Your best bet is the beef kawah, although you might find some pieces a little tough. However the gravy is certainly worthwhile and often patrons just go for gravy alone.
 
Thanks to the Ramadhan frenzy, this restaurant also offers a good selection of kuihs. And their kuihs are of good size and quality. Nothing makes the hungry consumer mad like expensive small kuihs made by those stingy with sugar and flour.
 
Try out their great jellies. Not too sweet or soggy, and firm. The créme caramel is also good, so give that a try. They also have pengat pisang and various dessert bubur for those into that sweet stuff. But be prepared to pay because the kuih here is not cheap. We’re looking at 50 cents or more per piece.
 
Expensive, this restaurant is. The food here generally costs more than in other places. But you can count on quality and selection. Most people prefer to take away during Ramadhan, although you can break fast there as well. They traditionally close for a whole month for Hari Raya.
 
Ya, the restaurant is in Shah Alam, so some of you might need a map. Don’t be lazy, you’ll likely find something you like there so it’ll be worthwhile. If you’ve never seen a kawah in your life, this is your chance. There’s at least one big one at Hatinie.

 

Lagoon Seafood Restaurant

 

As published in Friedchillies              

 

Mmm, crabs … when you crave them, you really crave them. Your fingers twitch and tentacles sprout out of your head. Well, the next time you have crab craving, try out the Lagoon Seafood Restaurant. There’s nothing like plain-grilled crabs to really enjoy their sweet taste without the distractions of gravy and condiments. Another simple way is to boil them with a little bit of salt, but that means you’ll have water-logged flesh and your fingers wrinkle like prunes.

 

We recommend grilled crabs at this restaurant.

 

The minimum order is two crabs, served halved or quartered — probably not enough unless you’re eating alone. Prices depend on the season but they’re definitely cheaper than in the city or suburbs. Regulars testify to some seriously pumped-up crab claws, so look forward to sinking your teeth in some thick, white flesh. Grilled plain, the flesh is firmer and sticks to the bone. Some chilli paste on the side will add a little zing.

 

Another favourite is the sweet-and-sour crab. Crab-wise, it’s not all that fantastic, but the sauce goes beautifully with man tao (a plain bun), which are pretty d*mn good here. You can have them steamed or fried, though the latter are more delicious. The outer part of the bread is crispy and brown, and the inner is sweet, white and fluffy. Dip it in the sauce and mmm … go straight to heaven.

 

Like most seafood restaurants, there’s fish here and it’s quite decent. They also have bamboo lala (clams), which is not always available in other seafood joints. But they’re somewhat fishy tasting here, so unless you’re really crazy about them, you might want to give this a miss.

 

The squid is decent, especially cooked in soy sauce, and so are the prawns. The all-time favourite buttered prawns are a safe bet for a yummy dining experience. But nothing beats mantis prawns cooked with dried chilli.

 

This dish is seriously delicious. The prawns are first deep-fried in batter before being cooked in sweet paste with cut dried chillies and chopped okra. Contrary to its name, this dish is not spicy. It is probably best to eat it with warm rice. Oh, with some crunchy fried baby kai lan, of course, fried with garlic.

 

Like the bamboo lala, mantis prawns are quite uncommon, so you should order bigger portions of them. The trick is to dine with friends: Eating good food at a place like this is not best experienced alone. Invite the right kind of company so you can philosophise over the many holes in the table cloth, while the cool Straits of Malacca air messes up your afro. Ya, this restaurant is on water, in a Chinese fishing village overlooking the North Port in Selangor. And the water traffic is exciting if you’re a city-slicker.

 

The balcony is uncovered, but there is a covered section. There are no walls, so you can forget about air-conditioning and it’s pretty much smoking zone all around. Zip-a-dee-doo-daaa for some of you. Booze is also served, as is Chinese tea, fruit juice and soft drinks. Lighting is decent though you will have to endure a little noise from the television, which is very popular with the owner’s family. They live there — it’s a family outfit and you can expect reasonably fast service.

 

To get to the Lagoon Seafood Restaurant, make sure you have good music in your car because it may be a long journey. Head towards Port Klang via the Kapar toll. At the traffic lights after the toll, follow the “Wisma Kastam” sign.

 

Go straight until you come to a T-junction. Turn left and go straight for about half a kilometre. Look for a small unmarked exit on your right. Get onto that road and look for the Lagoon Seafood Restaurant signboard on your right.

 

Park at the open space and let your nose take you towards the water via a dim alley on stilts.

 

riot

 

Péter Nádas’s Love is annoying! some a*sehole at Express on Sunday wrote on the back of his book and said it gave “a sense of acidic tenderness ~ the feeling that we have witnessed a tableau of exquisite dysfunction”. what the hell are you ranting on, Express?! the book sucks! literally. it sucks your soul right out of your left nostril!

 

who

 

the

 

hell

 

                                                writes

 

like

 

                                                                                this?

 

tell us which sober human being would want to read pages and pages and pages of that zig-zaggy shit about being high on ganja … ommigod, we wasted so much time reading that crap! help! help! help us get our time back or take our soul and feed it to the mythical lion of Zork already! Nádas, you jerk!

 

Merciful message missed

 

As published in The Sun

 

Bismillahirahmanirahim. In the name of God the most Compassionate, the most Merciful.

 

Yasmin Ahmad starts her film Sepet and its recently released sequel, Gubra, with this phrase written in its Arabic form.

 

Compassion and mercy are two key aspects in bridging race relations, so to start a film that addresses the issue head-on seems more than apt.

 

Like Sepet, the permeating theme in Gubra is love and inter-race relations. Both films have triggered vibrant discussions about race relations in Malaysia, and Yasmin’s attempt to address it.

 

Comments published in the English-language newspapers, which seem to come from mostly non-Malay readers who have seen Gubra, have been overwhelmingly positive. Yasmin is applauded for her courage in tackling the race issue directly. She is also praised for being bold in her approach, with lines such as “It’s like loving someone who doesn’t love you back” said by a Chinese character about his citizenship – a scene that many non-Malay viewers seem to identify with.

 

The Malay newspapers similarly have seen many of their mostly Malay readers writing in support of Yasmin’s efforts to bring race relations to the forefront of filmmaking. It is not simply about having the various races in Malaysia represented on screen playing trivial or stereotypical roles – like in the local sitcom Pi Mai Pi Mai Tang Tu – but to have the issue addressed head-on within the storyline. This is what makes Gubra (and Sepet) special and respected.

 

Unlike Sepet, however, Gubra offers its viewers more issues to digest than just race relations, that is, the role and duties of Malay Muslims in their society. Those who haven’t been following discussions about the film in the Malay newspapers and TV talk shows have missed out on heated debates between those who support Yasmin’s efforts and those who think her film is Islamically deviationist and culturally corrupting.

 

For example, the scene where the imam pats a dog on its head on his way to morning prayers has raised many Muslim eyebrows. A commentator in one of the Malay language dailies said Malaysia’s tropical weather doesn’t guarantee that the dog is completely dry, which makes touching it haram (unlawful) for a Muslim – what more for one who is about to lead his neighbourhood in prayers.

 

The commentator said Yasmin should have had a scene where the imam cleanses himself from touching the allegedly wet dog through special ablution in order to reassure Muslim viewers of his Islamic discipline and knowledge of the prescribed and proscribed. While one expected from the onset that the largely legalist Muslim viewers would harp on this matter, one cannot help but be extremely disappointed that the whole point of a Muslim man’s compassion towards God’s lesser creature is completely ignored.

 

In any case, why can’t we just assume that the mutt was dry? After all, it really doesn’t rain everyday in this country. In fact, we sometimes even experience drought.

 

Gubra is also criticised for having the imam and his family tolerate the neighbourhood’s Malay prostitutes instead of trying to coerce them out of the business and lead a righteous Muslim life. Again, I think many have missed an important point in the story. Coercion and confrontation aren’t always effective, as was the case of the disco raid by Federal Territory Islamic Religious Department (Jawi) in Kuala Lumpur last year which did not discourage young Muslims from clubbing the following week.

 

Yasmin’s remedy for social ills seems more promising: constructive engagement. Religion and morality cannot be propagated by force. In fact, one of the reasons why some of the dakwah (propagation of religion) missions have backfired is because it is often confrontational and exclusive. Engagement, on the other hand, allows trust to build over time and is based on living by example. One is unlikely to attract people to goodness by lecturing self-righteously, rather through one’s wholesome way of life.

 

Nevertheless, Gubra is not without faults. Yasmin recently said there were scenes in the film that she could have shot differently, such as the scenes of men and women touching each other freely or the scene that showed an actor’s buttocks. But what’s important is the message of the story and the healthy dose of discussion that followed.

 

We just have to remember that hers is a story of compassion and mercy, which in Islam transcends colour, gender, economics and vocation.