no! yes …

 

so you walked into a bookstore and thought, “okay, i could do me some educationment on the Russian Revolution.”

 

but you ain’t got all the time in the world, right? which is just about how long it requires to understand the topic. so you pick up a small book by S. A. Smith … and learnt your lession: never ever read anything written by a Smith. or about the Russian Revolution. that said, the The Russian Revolution: A Very Short Introduction is a piss shitty book and if you think you’re gonna be enlightened by reading this book, you’re f*cking wrong. it is messy and you’ll know by page 3 Smith is self-absorbed wanker.

 

on the other hand, there’s Currie’s God is Dead. now, this is about the nicest thing said about any book thus far at this address. we think the book is a f*cking jam. make that gem.

 

it’s a quick read, really but maybe best to station it on the throne for poop reading in order that the book lasts. you know, so you don’t finish it in one go. it’s a simple strategy for those romantics who don’t look forward to finishing good books. but Currie you will finish, yessum. God appearing in the form of a Sudanese woman is f*cking brilliant, of course. and then it gets dark and disturbing. and then you finish the book and think, “goddamn, that was fun …”

 

how to make civil servants

 

1. crack 5 eggs into a bowl.

 

2. beat the shit out of the eggs until egg yolk and egg white become ~ one.

 

3. let egg mix settle in room temperature.

 

4. meanwhile, make tea and telephone close friend to gossip.

 

5. after 3 hours, hang up and heat a pan on low fire.

 

6. eat lunch.

 

7. pay bills at post office.

 

8. return to kitchen and check on pan. if properly heated, put egg mix into pan. make sure

no ants in egg mix.

 

9. fry egg mix for 7 minutes.

 

10. if mix is properly pancake-like, turn off fire.

 

11. put pancake-like egg thing onto plate.

 

12. use pizza cutter and arbitrarily slice pancake-like egg thing until properly severed.

 

13. civil servants ready.

 

if you can’t kill them, join them … or the other way round

 

when i grow up i want to be a Latitudinarian. it doesn’t matter what kind as long as i get to tell people i’m a Latitudinarian. it’s too late for me to be a 17th century Anglican one, or a vegan one for that matter.

 

speaking of vegans … damn them. especially the political types. story goes something like, there were (at least) two vegans on campus back then who went around wearing fake beaver tails on the back of their jeans. what the bloody hell for, you ask? i don’t know … maybe they were half beaver? shit, which means they could’ve been the first two half-beavers to go to college! damn, that’s cool. the guy at African American Studies said they did it to challenge the norm. you know, do a Rosa Parks on everyone. they figured someone’s got to start wearing beaver tails before everyone else gets to. f*cking Yanks.

 

come to think of it, they could have been vegetarians. big difference the two ~ vegans and vegetarians. it’s like Sunnis and Shi’ites. most people tend not to differentiate between the two and would want to kill both. the beavers could have been lacto-ovo vegetarians. you know, vegetarians who eat eggs and dairy products. or just lacto vegetarians, where they eat dairy but not eggs. then again … maybe they’re ovos, taking eggs instead and not dairy stuff. those damn vegetarians are spoilt for choice! vegans don’t compromise these things. flora Nazis.

 

anyway, when i grow up i want to be a Latitudinarian. well you know, someone who departs in opinion from the strict principles of orthodoxy. sounds cool enough, so who gives a shit what that means. can you imagine being a librarian too?! how cool is that, to be a Latitudinarian librarian?! or a Latitudinarian veterinarian! goddamn …

 

Latitudinarian … a person who is broad-minded and tolerant, especially in standards of religious belief and conduct. ah, f*ck it. too much hassle.

 

how to make a Prime Minister

 

1. take a bucket and fill it up with water.

2. put bucket of water in the garage. make sure there is sunlight. 

3. let water sit for 35 minutes.

4. after 35 minutes, throw in a packet of carbon.

5. mix carbon in water with dead twig from the garden.

6. sprinkle some oregano into carbon water mix.

7. kick bucket hard until it falls over.

8. allow carbon water mix to spill completely.

9. Prime Minister will take form after 5 minutes of exposure to garage and sunlight.

10. when done, kick Prime Minister in the shin to make sure it is alive.

11. if alive, Prime Minister is ready.

 

the sacred scriptures of Re and the international movement, Liberals for an Islamic State

 

why is there a liberal in your closet? yes, that. what do you mean nothing? surely people don’t keep them in their closets for nothing. well, it looks sick. yes, disgusting … but i meant sickly, or ill. jaundice huh? right. so you think the best way to cure your liberal is to keep it in the closet? it needs sun. oh please … stop being such a woman. just sun the damn thing. where i come from it’s called kismis. shit, you know what’s ironic?! a person who eats kismis is a kismist! that rhymes with “extremist”! and it’s like … get it?! exactly! you sun your liberal and it becomes a kismist! yes, of course it’s not an unconditional process but let’s not get microscopic here, shall we? i’m just saying you know … oh, nevermind! so anyway, why is there a liberal in your closet?