as seen on tv

 

(cameras flashing frantically. coughing on mic)

 

ladies, gentlemen and all else present.

 

after 3 hours of deliberation, the administration decided it will adopt the 1979 Paragraph Standard which calls for international standardization of paragraphing in self-indulgent writing. the administration however, feels it would be against the interest of all who are involved to also adopt the 1981 St. Kitts and Nevis Protocol for Grammar and Punctuation. we will therefore continue using punctuations recklessly. okay, we will now take questions from the floor.

 

yea, Schlong? no, the administration does not expect internal uprising, foreign occupation or economic sanctions following this decision. next.

 

Johnson. no, submission and updates will continue to be haphazard.

 

yea, ma’am. please identify yourself and the media you represent. sorry? somebody pass her a mic, please. Próspero Año Nuevo, Ms. Wiener. i’m afraid Independent News is not an accredited network, so we cannot entertain your question regarding classified 2006 documents.

 

(crowd murmuring)

 

Peter. no, we have a healthy bilateral relationship with The Purple Monkey Mafia. we cannot disclose however, if it is a mutual one. all we can tell you folks is that it is two-way. next. relevant questions please …

 

yea, Wang? no, the adoption of the Standard will not affect trade policies. we will continue to import carbon paper from Norway. and no, we did not decide on the Standard due to pressures from activist groups. the administration decided it is no longer viable to reproduce the traditional paragraphs. and in order to divert attention from the missing classified 2006 documents, decided to call for this press conference today … sorry, what? do not speculate, please. that the administration forgot how to paragraph traditionally is simultaneously a fallacy, red herring and slippery slope altogether and at once.

 

(door slamming. bearded man shrieking like a girl. cameras flashing frantically)

 

this is an outrage! who are you?! this is preposterous! who is behind that disguise?! good gosh, such absurdity! arrest that Duracell Bunny!